guylet bobbin'

the adventures of emily and william: single motherhood, student life, and southwest virginia. sometimes i write about politics, poetry, literature and love. occasional feminism.

going there



Of course it was a disaster.
The unbearable, dearest secret
has always been a disaster.
The danger when we try to leave.
Going over and over afterward
what we should have done
instead of what we did.
But for those short times
we seemed to be alive. Misled,
misused, lied to and cheated,
certainly. Still, for that
little while, we visited
our possible life.

Jack Gilbert, “Going There”

(Source: Spotify)


Until now everything has seemed so chaotic, so fragmented…Scraps, shreds have come to light as a result of my searches…But then that is perhaps what a life amounts to.

—Patrick Modiano, Missing Person (translated by Daniel Weissbort)

“Nobody will ever love you as much as an artist can. On your worst days, they will find poetry in the knots of your hair.”

—   K.P.K, That Could Have Been Me (via nudelip)

(Source: towritepoems, via alexandrarosaria)

(Source: Spotify)

out of the woods by Taylor Swift is everything. 


and i know that it’s over and i know that my hands are tied but that doesn’t stop me from sometimes slightly dreaming about what could have been and what would have been if you were different. if things were different. but they aren’t and i spend so much time reminding myself of who you are, and forgetting about who i wished you were. and i’m writing this because there are moments that i think of you and smile from ear to ear. and the other day i was walking on campus with my head phones in and the sun was shining on me and fall was beautiful. i giggled at a random memory of you and me. i giggled out loud as if i didn’t utterly despise you. i giggled out loud and nearly wanted to text you to tell you what made me laugh. remember that time when? no, i stopped myself. and so giggling out loud at something funny was the first time i got even close to crying about you at all and now that memory that was so funny makes me angry. i’m angry because i’m confused. i am hard on my own consciousness. in one line of my thoughts i hate you and only moments later i start to think about going to mexico with you and that rainy day in march when we were talking about taking a trip, talking about dates. i punish myself for thinking about such things. i get mad that something like that would never happen. that we are never going to happen. mexico, and so many other things, were just talk, just noise to cover up he deadly silence of a futureless love. then i read mrs. dalloway and she had the same sort of thoughts and i forgave myself. does thinking about how awful you are mean that i hate you? no. does thinking about mexico mean that i want to run away with you? no. do i still think about these things? yes. and so i will marry a good man, i will end up in perfectly boring and consistent place that i utterly love, and sometimes i will think about what would have been had you been different, and i won’t hate myself. i will let the thought enter into my consciousness and then leave, never having acted on it. because every man now that becomes a prospective husband has the one thing that you will never be able to give, the one thing i could never get over with every time we tried again. a clean slate. there won’t be any sting of a memory from years ago, there won’t be all of the struggle and fear and screaming and fighting in our past when we go on our first date. it will be brand new. we can never be new again. we missed our chance to write our own story. it’s been written. we can’t change it. no amount of apologies or forgiveness can unwrite what has been written on the tear stained pages of our terrible, beautiful love. it’s just closed. i am not going to repoen it with any intent on changing what is there, only to read it and remember. i want to buy a journal from the bookstore and open up the pages and have them all be blank. i want to write in my journal about the moment i know that he is the one, or the moment i feel confident enough to introduce him to William. I can’t wait to write about all those moments that you and i ruined, or that we never had. i want a clean slate. i want a clean slate. 

(Source: Spotify)

#tbt to Canadian summer c. 1998
☔️🍂☕️ #fall #rain #virginia #virginiatech #hunter

(Source: Spotify)

I can’t decide if I like this one better than his old one from Let It Go !!!! 

(Source: Spotify)

little hokie #virginiatech
Skipped the game and went to the beach yesterday ☺️ (at Clayter Lake)