The best apologies happen when someone says sorry to you for you. Then sometimes they sorry to you for themselves.
People who aren’t in love dream about falling in love. They dream about butterflies, about romance, about passion, about perfection. Sometimes when people find it they don’t trust it, and maybe even lose it because they are scared. Some people dive in head first with no fear of anything in the world. I used to be that way.
Then you become this person who envies people who aren’t in love. I would give anything to stop loving, or to have never loved in the first place. Why didn’t I run away, why did I dream? What possessed me to ever think I would experience that perfect kind of love again, the loyalty, the trust, the friendship. What a silly woman I was to think that all of this would end in a fairytale.
And then that moment comes—the reality washes over you like a wave. For so long I was closing my eyes and pretending like that wave wasn’t going to hit me, as if it cared to stop for stupid little me. It comes though, that wave of reality, of clarity and knowledge about what you just lived and experienced. You realize. Remember when Fay realizes Jimmy is a terrible, selfish person in That Thing You Do? Epic monologue.
I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don’t mean any of it. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
At first the salt stings, and you can’t breathe, and you are getting tossed around, and maybe you even scrape a few rocks. You don’t know which way is up. Finally, after what seems like forever, you come up for air. That first breathe underneath the sunshine, feeling so alive and safe, and free—is indescribable.
Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed to tight.
My eyes are open now…and I see everything. The disillusionment is hard, but it is nothing compared to the wanted and faithful ignorance I kept myself in for so many years.
William and I are going berry picking this morning on the side of some mountain a few minutes away. The berries get picked out early, so we can’t waste any time! Also, William taught himself how to swim last night. We were at the pool for about two hours, and at beginning, he would try and swim (face under water, everything), but would always chicken out and put his toes back onto the bottom of the shallow end. Two hours later, he was swimming like a fish all over the shallow end and jumping off the side of the pool. There is still a lot of work to do, but wow—I am the proudest momma right now!